I miss home

We used to live in an old small apartment in the center of Tehran, on the forth floor with water pumping problem. In different periods of the apartment's life different residents including us came out with different solutions to fix the problem but none worked completely.
The problem was compensated for the lively atmosphere of the street it was located, the fact that it was so close to Tehran university and the book stores nearby, unforgettable memories from the past the time I was very young and the decoration of the place itself with a lot of thoughts that we put into it to make it cozy which it was and the bonus that it was for free.
I left the place that early morning to Libya with tearful eyes knowing that I would miss living there and that was true...

Moving in Tehran, Iran

It was different when we bought our first and last car in Iran, it felt like a grown up family, a husband and a wife with a car. We couldn't hold our hands passing through the streets of Tehran because he was driving at the time. We were not like a couple holding hands waiting for a taxi or walking the streets of Tehran, it was different.
We were the regulars there, at those places; to eat ice cream, very typical Persian cuisine and to wander a book store called "Shahre ketab" or "City of books" and as we got into the store we would get parted without realizing and we would find each other, sometimes with a book in hand or a funny card or a cool mug like the famous Mr.Behi's mug or nothing but news on what seemed interesting and we would get back to that thing again to show that to another one.
With the car then we had one extra step before getting into all those places: "Looking for a parking space" And if we could find one, it would be like an official permission to actually get into the favorite spots.
We couldn't hold our hands but I would put my left hand on his right shoulder on our way and we would listen to the music that we always made fun of their singers and the lyrics, nothing sophisticated about those music but great fun. Then this not holding hands part got compensated for a new interest; traveling by this car and with our own way for hours and hours inside Iran from the capital to the north of Iran or to the west to Shiraz. Smell of "Bahar narenj", since then, means Shiraz to my senses. Every where you go you will feel it if it's Spring in Shiraz. Last time the trip to Esfahan reminded me again and again the joy of moving and traveling inside Iran. And there are yet to travel, to see...
There is something unique about traveling in Iran, something different.

Thank you

I knew what were your concerns, your favorite songs, the books that you liked, the food that you enjoyed. I knew what were your beliefs because you talked a lot about each and the reasons behind each. I knew well who you were and how you would say and react to my thoughts, my deeds and my flaws but not any more and this gives me pain time to time. I don't know you anymore but this does not mean that I don't understand you because I well do.
And about that pain, let me tell you something, I can live with that pain, because I've just done it until today and I can go on like this for tomorrow and the days after tomorrow and the years after.You're living your brilliant life and that matters and believe me, this does the very same on me that a painkiller can do. So, thank you and no worry, I'm doing just great, in fact my very best. And you just keep living and being alive.
Yours,

Beh...

Spinning around

"There are times when friendship feels like running down a hill together as fast as you can, jumping over things, spinning around, and you don't care where you're going, and you don't care where you've come from, because all that matters is speed, and the hands holding your hands"*.


It's almost 10 years that there are times when friendship feels like running down a hill together as fast as you can, jumping over things, spinning around... There are times and times.

*Matthew Tobin Anderson

...

I have a very important exam next week and should study really hard this coming week. Mr.B is not with me these days and his absence has started since yesterday. This is not the first time that he's away but I feel so fragile and lonely from the moment he left...I can actually start to cry any time and any where about any thing that I hear, read or see that involves a little bit emotion.
I was so in rush yesterday that I did not notice I closed the door while his key was in the lock and the moment that I tried to lock the door I realized that. I had to leave and the time that I would be back home was around 10 p.m. I left any way but it went fine at the end and I wasn't homeless last night.
One of my friends' homepage in Facebook suddenly disappeared, she was very active during the election and I got this very bad feeling what if something bad has happened to her. I sent her an email, she replied she was fine but numbers of her friends got arrested and were asked to open their FB pages and give information about their FB's friends and how they know each other...Thank God she was fine, she might get arrested, she was thinking about her friends' safety, I cried.
Next week I'll be happier I think. Next week I'll have a very dear friend coming over for 2 days from England. Last time that we met was the time that we were about to leave Iran to Libya and she was on her short visit to Iran and last time that we had one of our long talks was almost 9 years ago. Next week Mr.B will come back.

Notebook

It's good to talk, I can look at my feelings once they have sounds and motions. It was the same when I used to write but not exactly the same since now it can be difficult to return to those sounds and see their motions while looking at the written words was always possible you know, and my handwriting was there with its constant changing.
Since that cold freezing day I started to talk even more and started to write much less and I don't mind if I won't be able to see those words again and I'm not wondering if my handwriting has been changing since then. And you started to be written in like a notebook from that day and it was freezing cold...

To Feel Good

Weekend is here and I'm sitting enjoying the fact that I'm sitting. I had a hectic week and a final exam yesterday. It's extremely good that I have to be in a place during the week where I can experience what I always wanted to and it doesn't feel good not being able to contact as much as before during each day... Weekend is the time to appreciate the weekend, to share songs and smell of "ghorme sabzi" and feeling satisfied of not seeing those tiny butterflies that secretly were eating our nuts, to be glad of another cloudy/sunny day, to talk, to contact and get ready for another good hectic week.

Your Letters

I wish I could write a letter like the ones that I'm used to read, the so many letters that you wrote on my birthdays, telling me the story of you and me on the day of giving birth to me,

I wish I could write you a letter like the ones that you wrote with the most beautiful wishes, wanting me to be determined, thankful, good and happy, wanting me to eat fruits and drink milk,

I wish I could write you a letter like the ones with that famous hand-writing, the ones that I could recognize you and your handwriting even through the typed words of yours, that I was far far away and you still found a way to write me a letter,

Today is not your birthday but I'm wishing so many things, my wishes are simple like writing you a beautiful letter...

Turning point

I'm writing with the biggest smile on my face and the tears ready to well in my eyes.
I will always remember yesterday, August 29 as one of the sweetest days of my life. I waited for so long to be where I am right now. I got my admission after 3 weeks of hard work, hope and fear. This new chapter is "really" going to start.
I'm thinking of the man standing close and always with his big bright heart...

My stars

I enjoy watching these two creatures while they’re talking about their sweet stories of the day they had. Meanwhile, I say something, we laugh and I feel I’m turning to a teenager, to a kid for a few minutes backing to the old familiar world that I used to live in the past. I’m glad I am someone who has some memories of the time they were smaller which seems just like yesterday. I’m thrilled of the fact that they are growing so fast. I get excited of their creativities, I get so excited of every thing about them and then I experience a typical feeling of an aunt: Having the most talented nieces in the world. I adore them, I love them and then I love them…

Sweet Home

In less than 2 days we're going home. Last time, before leaving Iran, I was trying to put the matter of "leaving" in a helpful perspective and manage my emotions. Later while leaving, I realized that passing time was needed to cope in addition to that perspective. I feel, being apart from loved ones; the ones who had a big role in being whoever we are, is not easy. It's like leaving behind an important part of our history and our own selves. Every single member of the family is like a piece of our overall image. Lacking for any of them can make this image imperfect which is extremely hurtful but it's painfully and fortunately possible to get used to see that partial picture.

Anyway, I hope to make the most of staying with our families, being happy and appreciative of having them in each moment of our stay. I cannot wait to see every one especially my parents. Life is too short and 20 days is actually nothing :).

This picture is taken from the road near my hometown

Picture by Mr.Behi

Flashback

I remember some years ago when I was the only child who lived with my parents. The time when others had already left home for their studies and then got married. One of the times that I felt happy was when all the members of my family gathered in my parents' house. Then, in an instant I would start to check them one by one. After looking at every body, I would say to myself quietly: " Now, we are all together" and I had a definite sense of happiness. The feeling was so internal and rich. I liked to do that not because it was hard to make sure they were there before counting as they were not many neither because I didn't know if they were all there, which I knew they were... Actually, I didn't know the reason of that counting exactly but I know I haven't done that for... I don't know how long. I haven't had thought of this till now. And now the memory has just come back to me. It's like a sudden flash that has come from where?... I don't know.

Miscellaneous thoughts of today...

1- I can't feel the speed of life any faster than this, time is really flying to... where? I don't know and it might be best not knowing the final destination and just letting yourself fly with it.

2- It feels different, living in here, where I don't hear and see people and things that I used to. It's like a new picture of me in a close shot and every body else in the background, before it was me in the background, looking at a close shot of people and things, searching to find a trace or sign of me.

3- I'm getting along with myself more. I'm trying to find a picture...an organized one, the one that I would place every thing, every fact and every person fairly. The one that I would see and hear me clearly without having a picture with any background. A picture with no background.

4-I've really missed God :(.

5-I love my love, he's been giving me more than I could ever imagine.

6- I love the beauties of life.

7-I must learn how to discipline myself.

8- I must learn how to take things easy on myself.
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Accents

One of the new experiences that I've had during the last one year, is meeting people with different accents of English. American and English were one of the kinds that I was familiar with since they are actually the source of this language so naturally I knew what was this language all about from them although I can recall that sometimes in England during our one month stay, I had several funny memories of times that I met people who were talking faster or with a completely different style of the way I used to hear but I could survive by the end with the famous expressions of "sorry?" or "pardon me" etc.

Last night we had our first guest here in our new place and after 3-4 hours of having conversation I think I can recognize Brazilian or Portuguese with the way they speak in English. That's kind of sweet especially when they intend to pronounce more "ch" in words that have "t".

Among all other accents such as South African, Australian and Arabic ( when they speak in English)... I've considered somehow difficult to understand Indian. Every time I go to my English class I have a little talk with a very nice Indian lady. The first time that I met her I decided to be relax to ask her to repeat her words one more time in case of not getting her, before when I was in such a situation, I intended to give a big smile and to move my head very slightly. While smiling I felt a certain measure of stupidity about myself.
The beginning of our talk went pretty well, I was listening to her very carefully and the topic was not complicated then she asked some thing and I couldn't understand what she just said so I asked her to say that again, she repeated her words for the second time and still I had no idea what she was talking about... I said: I'm really sorry but I didn't get you. She said again and this time I felt relieved as I finally found out and had something to say other than "sorry" to her. Then she said something else and again I had a feeling of listening to any language but English. This time I just felt too embarrassed to dare asking her, so I covered myself with one of my famous smiles while moving my head as a sign of approval and felt one hundred percent stupid at the time!

My poor bunny

The sun in the last two days was not shiny, Mr.Behi had a very unceasing fever. After almost 7 years of knowing him, I can say that it was the first time I saw him catching this type of cold. It was pleasant to have him home but at the time it was terrible to see him burning like that :(. He felt much better today and left home to his work. I'm now relieved that he's getting his health back. I tried really hard to trick him into taking today off too but who was I kidding, when it comes to work it's way too difficult to keep him distracted :).

Another thing is that, I am drowning in the ocean of new words as my new vocabulary is expanding. At first I had a feeling that they are like cancer's tumors growing fast and wild, then I figured out I was really frightening myself with this scary metaphor. So I changed it into extensive calm clouds that are joining together very quickly. They remind me of a cloudy weather which I love. They are white, they can shape to funny or beautiful forms AND they are cool, not scary at all ;).

Picture source

I never forget tomorrow

I vividly remember that day (July 9th, 1999) when hardline police forces rammed into Tehran university dorm compound early in the morning, beating and arresting students and destroying the dorms to a wreckage. That year was the first year of my study at university. That morning day when I was on my way to university, I faced an angry demonstration of students coming from the dormitory with a bloody shirt in one's hands while they were shouting. I had no idea what had happened and what was going on. I arrived at university and was surprised by the upset students of my college who were standing in the middle of the corridor, wearing black armlets. I clearly remember those moving days when tears of tenderness mixed with tear gas came out from our eyes in the university's area, where we were supposed to be safe in any condition. I remember the fear of having university closed. I remember all our expectations and hopes for the reformist president of that time. I remember...

Picture source

Time to face...

Well, let's face it, I was in denial state, I was too afraid to admit that. Maybe I thought if I didn't care about my feelings, they would go away.
Yes, I was homesick and I think I still am. What I would expect? It's the first time that I am apart officially from my country. It's almost 2 months now and I'm starting to believe that I am really in the whole another place! I've missed my so caring dedicated mother when she was standing in front of door with a bag of books and some papers in her hands... when she came with her warm and tired face. I've missed my kind-hearted and hard-working father who I always could find out what was going on in his mind by his first words. I've missed those long talks with my reliable sister who is so pure. I've missed my brother with all his gestures. I've been missing my younger brother who lives in another country, I got used to this feeling and accepted it as an ever lasted part of me but now I feel hurt as I think the distance is getting more and more as time passes. I've missed..

I needed to write down these feelings, I needed to open the closed book.
I know I will manage all these feelings. I'm doing my best..., It's just a natural phase that I'm going through and will pass it. I will be fine...

picture source

Sunset and the Sea

There is some thing that we enjoy the best about the area around our place in Tripoli. In the morning we enjoy the fresh breeze coming from the sea and also the view of the Mediterranean sea itself. In the evening, we get amazed by the most beautiful sunset. I feel like I can hug and take the blushing sun. As if the sun is going to rest behind the waving waters. She says goodbye by making a spectrum of all kind of colors as she goes down.

After the sunset, I like bright streets around "Green square" that are so alive and the beautiful reflection of city lights in the sea. We drive around and we love listening to our favorite musics while enjoying the scenes. I think it is very nice to be able to enjoy simple things and I also think life is just about these precious moments. I know after leaving Libya, I will be missing all these beauties but I will always keep all these nice feelings with me anywhere else. Any place that will become our next destination.

Watch yourself !

All I can think about these days is the plan of studying through one of these distance universities. Among the different fields that I've been searching, I liked one of them the most. This is the topic that I really wanted since my undergraduation and never had a chance to study and work on it, the feeling of excitement is constantly running in the background of my mind although sometimes it turns to the feeling of anxiety and makes me nervous with the questions and doubts of : what if it won't come true... and the next thing I can see is an impatient person with having an emergency death case. I think it's completely obvious that, this person would be me.

I know I will pass this period after all and will be walking in my ever wanted new road but I'm not happy with my attitude, seems I'm not strong enough, nor grown up in such steps. I know life is about being happy and having good times with your loved ones, every way or behavior that can make you closer to these points is a worthy one otherwise you are falling into a non-sense circle without knowing that.
I just don't like this kind of Behi.