...

To give you an overall view of how my days look like I tell you this: A month ago I was recommended for physiotherapy. I requested to go to the therapist in the hospital I work as I thought it would be more practical for me to switch my places in the building I already am when needed and this has stayed only in theory so far. Not every weekend is free anymore and during the last weeks sometimes I had to leave the department not sooner than 10.p.m. I cannot feel the days and this is my wish most of the time that a day was more than 24 hours. I feel lucky that I had a chance to join a very vibrant work environment and I feel also stressed. I'm in the middle of my learning process and also in charge of the results of the project that I started. This makes me excited + stressed! I'm starting to know myself more in the new atmosphere with new challenges and in the meantime sometimes I just need to stop, to pause and grab my shoulders, look at myself and think for a little while. The painting class looks nothing like the world that I actually live and makes me feel I entered a different world; world of colors for 2 hours and got back to the real world. And the Dutch course is the latest activity that I'm taking together with Mr.B wondering when would be the possible/productive time of the day to practice and do the homework. Until I realize this goedenavond!

Update...

We were 35 in high school. 7 of us entered different majors in different universities. The rest got married soon after they graduated high school as a small town's custom would expect them to do. We drifted apart and every now and then I would search through the internet or Facebook to see if I could find a trace of any of them but no success, until recently that I heard news on the smartest of them all, one of the 7. She had an accident in one of the streets of Tehran. She passed away and left her little child behind.

Not for Granted

Well, it's been one month since my accident, and I've been able to move inside home with the help of a wheelchair and less often by my crutches since my other leg also had a little injury so it's not strong enough to bear my little steps. The pain is fading away day by day and I must be able to walk in two weeks. Except for the x-rays I've been staying at home most of the times trying to spend days as if I am in a vacation. And like always you start to appreciate something when you do not have it anymore. In my case loosing my freedom of mobility is going to last only for a short while but it's been warning me of the time that there will be no way to take back something that you lost for good and you had always taken that for granted.

High speed + bad luck

Yesterday, we went kart racing, I had an accident and now here I am laying down with a broken ankle, a few bruises in different places and my right leg is in a plaster cast. I'm just happy nothing worse happened.

Came back from Geneva today.
A fantastic time with my very dear ones we spent. Great connections that can cross the border of time and you feel it with all your heart.

It happens when you expect it the least and also when you want it to happen.

This is no cliché:

Feeling and not feeling cheerful both are easy and fast to experience. You always choose which one is your preference since you have your reasons for each.
That's scary and promising at the same time:
-You can stay with your reasons
-You can choose

Spinning around

"There are times when friendship feels like running down a hill together as fast as you can, jumping over things, spinning around, and you don't care where you're going, and you don't care where you've come from, because all that matters is speed, and the hands holding your hands"*.


It's almost 10 years that there are times when friendship feels like running down a hill together as fast as you can, jumping over things, spinning around... There are times and times.

*Matthew Tobin Anderson

Prescription

4 words to feel sane at some point: I do not care.

From Iran

Here is Iran, where I am one year late to meet unfamiliar wrinkles. I vividly remember they were not there last time. My parents are growing old, it takes one year of denial...one year of no picture of those new lines and here I am with a memory of a new picture; the new lines.

Here is Iran, where my eyes search for signs, any sign that could tell me things are going to be all right in here.

Here is Iran where I look for its news from the outside when I'm in, where I must and need to be...

List to live

Think longer, quicker and twice before you talk,
You don't have to satisfy every body,
Look at what you've achieved when you've started or are getting started to question what you did and please! Don't expect people to do so when they're looking at you,
Take yourself and life less seriously,
Ask questions that start with "why" less than now,
Ask questions that start with "why" more than now,
You don't have to satisfy every body,
Satisfy those whom you should and you can recognize them, do it in its own time/quicker,
Be organized,
Have fun!

Big Picture!

Not being able to see the whole of something ordinary or not ordinary, is what leads me to small and not small difficulties sometimes. This has been happening unconsciously mostly-I guess- because I felt that uneasiness but I could not figure out what was the root and why. I'm amazed how simple it is to get trapped into seeing only pieces when its picture matters the most and it's more unfortunate when the picture is much more beautiful than those individual pieces.

Memory

I had an exam at the end of the last week and its following weekend means nothing but weekend and enjoying it without feeling guilty of getting engaged in those businesses that are not really related to the pending tasks.
I've had 7 modules so far and one thing has been happening after taking each exam and has come to my notice now. I take the exams on Thursday evenings, then it doesn't matter if I sleep at 9, 10,11 or 12 at night, the next morning exactly at 4-5 I wake up with one of the questions that I faced the day before as if that question is whispering itself into my ears and I automatically think about the answer that I wrote and this goes on till I fully get back to my consciousness and start to feel that I'm not asleep anymore. It's not like I was thinking about that specific question the night before and I've never been like this as long as I can remember.
The last term the topic was about memory and its underlying mechanism. Apart from neural events that form our memory traces what makes matters get stuck or erased from our mind is the amount of "attention" we pay on them and I was thinking how efficient could be if we had this capability to notice to those things that are really worth noting, imagine if we could actually see nice words and kind gestures from people around and not those' who don't care about others' feelings, how incredibly free our mind would be then when no strong traces of the bitter feelings could be found later.
One more thing, I have this ability to get lost so easily, I've never been good at directions and apparently for this not so great spatial memory of mine my Hippocampus is to blame but it can get bigger and for that I need to pay attention much more or become a taxi driver as apparently they have big Hippocampuses ;).

Getting settled

There was a lot going on during the last weeks. I had absolutely a great time in Iran. This movement gave us the chance of hanging out with our families which I really needed.

I was also able to see all my friends, some of whom after a long time. I don't know when we will be meeting each other in future as some already had left the country and for the rest, they were leaving Iran soon. 

As for the personal works, things mostly went according to the plan which was kind of strange, well... that was us! things could not go so smooth based on our usual experiences, most of surprises normally love to come and catch us but this time they didn't show up and we were wondering why ;).

Next step is to find our own place. 

- Today ( 25th of July) was the last day of the author of "The Last lecture"

- Read the news

Hello Netherlands!

After 3 weeks stay in Iran now we're in the Netherlands.

From the hot hot sunny Tehran we've found ourselves in the chilly, rainy, cloudy and windy weather of The hague! Things seem alright and I like what I've seen so far. Will write more and soon...

A Review

I've been trying to find a word that could describe precisely what I really think of the last year, but it was not an easy job and it wouldn't be fair to collect a whole different experiences in just one word.

The last year meant knowing some very wonderful people, it meant quite a few paradoxical thoughts and feelings and questions and missing and wondering... It meant priceless experiences and outcomes.

We leave our home country that holds many pleasant and unpleasant memories with itself. I think, what we miss is their senses that stick with us and it's not their places that these memories took place. And the more delightful those memories are, the more their footprints are missed. The loved ones, but, are another story. You know that they are always there for you and it's not the feelings that are mixed with the places, it's exactly being around them, with them, for them and looking at their faces and holding their hands. I heard once from Hiva that "migrating is one of the most difficult decisions to make and jobs to do".I cannot agree more.

You earn something and lose something else; every thing has a price and that means life...

Time to leave!

Well, living with Mr.Behi means living through adventures and I've been enjoying it very much so far! I was expecting to stay in Libya for another year at least, and I didn't expect to leave here any time soon but here we are, preparing to leave here to Iran and then to The Netherlands which would be our final destination. I've already found a university program starting very short after our arrival in there. Let's see what is awaiting us...

Future

Life is one unpredictable phenomenon, you come into the places where you never even thought to be someday and if someone some day in the far past told you about it, you have no idea if you would feel happy to see where your-present-self would be. The "where" that I'm referring to could be from all geographically, mentally and emotionally points of view; the exact whoever you are.
I know if someone a long while ago drew the picture of my present, I would be absolutely thrilled at some points and surprised by the others.
There is change and there is also getting used to that change. People admire you when that change leads you to become a better difference of your last version according to them and judge you if they see some thing that they cannot recognize. Meanwhile, this is the change that goes on and that is the life that keeps untiringly surprising you. You never know and never can know if you will like those surprises or not but it is possible to keep trying the best on what you can know and you can change to feel thrilled at these present moments.
Maybe sometimes, it's just great that "life what happens to you when you're busy making other plans".

News!

These days I've been fairly busy with studying, doing assignments and some home works. Some of them are completely new to me and for some others I need to drag old information remained from the past, whisk away their dust and see their fresh clear looks. I'm practicing to be satisfied with both load and pace of my learning. Apart from my bookish news, seems there is not much news around except for really odd one that happened to be around learning stuff too which I've heard a couple of days ago.

I can still remember many of my former professors and some of them left me many pleasant and unforgettable memories. This one that I've heard about was among the nicest in my opinion both form academic and ethical views. Apparently, one of his PhD students that I happen to know too- by his name and face and not in person as he was at the same faculty that I used to study- had a fight with him in his room at a university that he's teaching right now and all of a sudden after their talk this student took the cyanide in the lab and died immediately! I've read different opinions and received several e-mails regarding this matter but I have nothing to say other than this professor was too nice to motivate someone to commit suicide and this student?... I really didn't know him that well to give any comment about.

The Last Lecture

"If today is the last day of my life, am I going to do what I'm about to do today?" This was the question that Steve Jobs brought up when he was presenting his famous stay-hungry-stay-foolish lecture in Stanford University. This is where I wrote about nearly one year ago.
I think after passing enough years in this world, now, it is time to accept this fact about myself that I never could and never can act not hyper-sensitive towards the reality called death. I tried to see it from different sights that one could possibly look but it never worked. I've had so much difficulty to even participate in a funeral and it gets worse when the person that passed away is someone that I know or is a relative. If I attend the funeral, the least that will happen is not being able to eat which in the worst case scenario, I might even end up physically sick.
I said all these to talk about " The last lecture", the lecture that Randy Pausch - a university professor- gave, in fact, to his three children to make them know in the future that who their father was, what he did and achieved in his life since he would no longer have enough time because of his cancer. But this lecture got the attention of people and has been downloaded over 6 millions times.

This is the second lecture that has reached deeply into my heart and my mind in less than one year.
I admire this man not only because he's incredibly courages, smart and still passionate even when it comes to his death which he is, but because he stands and talks about his life.
Isn't it just the most amazing celebration of life that one can have before his own funeral? It's painful and so beautiful...