Passion

A restless mind is a mind that does not let you think the job is done or close to be done. Doesn't let you feel settled, it's always in search, sometimes of something not so clear but I call it passion when it's clear and not totally blind. Now that I think, I've been thirsty to see that passion in people as long as I can remember, a passionate love between two lovers, a passionate friendship, a passionate work and you know what? I feel excited for what I can see, it's like a a permission to fantasize about life that has a potential to get so ordinary a lot.
All these passions can last if you want them to last, otherwise they become part of your past that no longer their traces exist in your present. A painter cannot be novel if he does not have that passion, so a scientist.
Science cannot be looked as a job, you cannot have that great wish to find, to reach if you haven't been heartily in search. Science is nothing but constant search. I've always been looking for that sense of excitement in scholars whether I was studying in Tehran or here in Rotterdam and I've had higher expectation in here... higher hopes to see professors with passions and not with jobs. Science is certainly not a job.

Not for Granted

Well, it's been one month since my accident, and I've been able to move inside home with the help of a wheelchair and less often by my crutches since my other leg also had a little injury so it's not strong enough to bear my little steps. The pain is fading away day by day and I must be able to walk in two weeks. Except for the x-rays I've been staying at home most of the times trying to spend days as if I am in a vacation. And like always you start to appreciate something when you do not have it anymore. In my case loosing my freedom of mobility is going to last only for a short while but it's been warning me of the time that there will be no way to take back something that you lost for good and you had always taken that for granted.

This is no cliché:

Feeling and not feeling cheerful both are easy and fast to experience. You always choose which one is your preference since you have your reasons for each.
That's scary and promising at the same time:
-You can stay with your reasons
-You can choose

I don't want to tell...

We chose to get out of Iran but I don't remember where exactly was our destination. We never set a destination and I did not want to be one of those who feels nostalgic all the time. I did not ignore all the bad memories and did not keep only the good ones but something happened; the bitter memories seemed sweet when they got old and far. It was like making different stories out of one thing to maybe feel happy. I see people feeling homesick and they write about having a big heart that always beats for that soil. I don't want to live where I don't live and I don't want to feel nostalgic when "I" chose to leave and I don't want to forget the reasons that made us leave there. I don't like to tell people that we had a great civilization back 2500 years ago and we were doing just fine till the Arabs attacked us and I don't like to say what you see in the media is not the true face of the Iranian people and we dance too, and inside thinking and saying but we're warmer and more polite but we do with our kindness as we do with our money; spending it when there is a real reason and a worthy person and what is kindness, we define all its properties. I don't like to tell people we're not religious God forbidden and we hate people being prejudice against other races but feel offensive when people think we speak Arabic.
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Some Iranians blame all the problems in Iran to such and such causes as sarcastically mentioned above, I obviously don't think like that.

Big Picture!

Not being able to see the whole of something ordinary or not ordinary, is what leads me to small and not small difficulties sometimes. This has been happening unconsciously mostly-I guess- because I felt that uneasiness but I could not figure out what was the root and why. I'm amazed how simple it is to get trapped into seeing only pieces when its picture matters the most and it's more unfortunate when the picture is much more beautiful than those individual pieces.

Harvest

"You harvest what you've planted"

This is of those obvious quotes that I think many agree with and so do I. But as time passes I can see its picture applies on almost every thing that I see, hear, face and live with.
It does not necessarily mean for every situation that I've been to I was the responsible one but it does mean there is no such thing as luck. Every thing that happens is based on someone's decision, action and reaction. You can play and go on by typical rules and get quite stereotyped results and feel lucky, unlucky, victimized and winner OR you can set your own rules and feel "good". That's I think should be named creativity and that feeling of being good or not stays with you.

I just noticed this was my first post of 2009 :)

Refashion

If a person changes in a way that gradually makes her/him be in peace with the inside and outside world, I'd say it's a right change. And if someone tells me s/he has not changed and feels good, is deeply satisfied and has a peaceful life, I'd say perhaps there has not been any kind of flaw that would make that person's life miserable so, no pain/no change.
Most of the people who are not truly feeling sparkles of joy in their hearts, I believe, are those who are fit in none of the above categories most of the time. They insist on what they think, say, believe and had been get used to since years ago. They are ready to point their fingers at whomever they think is eligible enough to take most of the responsibilities of that gloomy atmosphere. Parents, societies, spouses, relatives and friends are easy targets for that matter. They can be indeed to blame but at the end of the day it's us that can take the control of standing still, to move on and modify and well, this is not of those easy modifications. It requires a great commitment and cleverness.

Parallel

I've always had respect for those who can focus passionately on more than one matter and I guess that's because I'm not like them. These days this disability is blinking at me more and not in a very pleasant way, it's more like teasing than just a flashing reminder. From the time that I can recall my head has been like a sponge, it absorbs strongly and with all my heart any "my-call" important thought or idea that comes first like liquid so that there would be no holes and space for any other matter that is unfortunate enough to arrive next. I need a parallel mind to try banana and strawberry cakes or ice-creams beside their chocolate ones, to have breakfast while awaiting an important e-mail every single time, to be able to calm down and stop singing a new found favorite song so much and not with a very beautiful voice before starting to hate that, to read books at the very least as much as favorite blogs and websites, to review organic chemistry- which I really need to do so- in addition to learning about DNA and its magnificent features and to write more about other matters that are worthy and not happening in my mind...

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closure

It can be easy to get provoked or better to say it can be easy to let others provoke us.

To me, it happens when I see myself in a situation in form of a conversation that someone tries to prove that s/he is right about something by making me feel wrong about that. In other words, some choose to prove others are ignorant and they think this results their wisdoms and how these two could be related to each other is the question that I'm not even interested in finding any answer for.

I think, now, I can explain why I don't like to be involved in such conversations. It's not because I feel my understanding is being undermined by another's misbehavior which I thought that was it for some considerable time by the way. It's, in fact, because I can see myself being in a place that I'm trying to revenge OR defend my idea by "proving" it so that I give up my own principle which is: It's not fine to try hard to prove yourself only because someone is saying reverse to feel satisfied.
I hate seeing myself there since this takes freedom of my mind away from me and let me say that even if I say nothing in that situation, still the severity exists which is quite enough to be occupied and not free. The thing is that I cannot recognize myself at this point.

The whole story makes me sick. It's such an easy trap, when you fall, you fall deep down and you are deep down.

A Reminder

In a very corner of my mind there is a simple home. It's certainly not perfect, it might even seem crooked like this one, it gets empty big time when I forget it's there. I feel right underneath its roof... It's perfect.

No Title yet

I haven't been this clear about where I'm going to enter and haven't been this collection of mixed feelings and thoughts for quite some time...

The Route

I was watching the first part of "The Root of All Evil", a television documentary written and presented by "Richard Dawkins".
The main massage in this part says that "World would be better off without religion".
As he mentioned every theory could be accepted as a scientific fact when it could be supported by rational evidence.
There have been many Scientific theories rejected after years of staying alive as facts because of new evidence that could question them to replace with ever or more righteous ones. And that, I believe, is the beauty of science. You are free to doubt and then find the answer and then you can question that answer anytime that you obtain more knowledge which is called development all in all. Even though, you do not stop but you do stand by big times.
As logical as many of approaches of this program seem I still cannot be certain about the whole better off-without-religion idea. I wonder if human-beings being was not merged with any sort of religion in the first place what would be the world like now? Would it really be a better place?
Or, if we should call it just a perfect story of human history from the time people worshiped stars, sun, rocks,etc... To the time that God came to people's hearts through his prophets and messengers... To this state that the ideal aim for many is to survive God from being considered as a possession...Like a property that all religions have given themselves the authority to present the best kind of it with the best manuals which all of them guaranty a better connection to.
If this is a sort of evolution which has been taking place along with the one that universe started millions years ago, it's so soon to come to any conclusion I guess.

Apart from whole this matter, I always think that if someday all the scientific clues come to the point that death is the end for our emotional existence, I certainly won't be able to stand the pain that it would bring to me and I will wait impatiently for more evidence to reject that finding.

Some...

some are smart and others know this about them
Some are smart and want others to know about this
Some think they're smart

Some are kind and they don't mind if others appreciate that
Some are kind as they need to be
Some think they're kind

Some like to correct themselves
Some like to correct others
Some think they're correct...

Present endeavor

I have matters to think, works to do and life to live. There are times when I just want to live in the moment and be present at the present, then right in the middle of no clear time I find myself drowning in the past. I try not to get stuck in the times that have gone and then meanwhile I find myself running into the future so fast, so overwhelmingly so that I will be losing the present again if I don't slow down. Why has this been like a baffling game for me which takes me away from BEING right at the present? This, in fact, is the question that I ask myself and continue the rest of these words by saying: Maybe it's because I have not accepted myself as the way I am OR it could be just an illusion that I have and I'm not really that absent in the present moment OR I say, this shows that I should have had more faith in me and should have been more kind to myself...
But, I know one thing for sure that I'm trying my "present best" and am really hoping to make a difference to the unpredictable creature like myself. I don't mind how fast I am or how efficient, big or small the outcome of this try would be. I still keep on striving and as much as trying to be present I need to be constantly aware. Aware of the fact that I have a true friend right beside me who has always accepted me, loved me and never never never has given up on me.

Sometimes, I wonder my thoughts might be too personal to be cried out in here but why shouldn't I release myself in an unknown small room of mine whose this opened door is one of its features. It's different to watch your naked mind screaming itself out loud in that room.

Easy to wish!

The butcher's that we go every now and then, is the place where I wish we were vegetarians.

A polite butcher + A hanging head of a really big cow or maybe a buffalo (?) with the biggest eyes ever + Peeled body of a white rabbit + A peeled sheep (We're used to see this one though)+ A hanging head of a camel with the tallest eyelashes that I've ever seen are the main things that catch our eyes every time.

I cook the meat that we take from the collection of dead chickens and beeves. We go there again and I say I wish we were vegetarians.

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Chemiology!

During my study at university, Organic and Quantum Chemistry were the top two of the whole courses that I truly liked. At the time, I thanked God for having to study Pure and not Applied chemistry because of its superb materials. As I hadn't started basic courses in a good state in the first year of my study, I could feel the shadow and the pressure of consequences of that bad start on my shoulders for the remaining years. Although it could not prevent me to enjoy some of those beautiful topics in the last couple of years of my study.

Anyways, Organic Chemistry always amazed me the most...I tried to analyze chemical reactions between two molecules and then their characterizations as parts of a compound and also each molecule's elements individually, then the fact that how much they could define the fate of those interactions. I always felt that they all had spirits as if they were humans with all the factors that could interpret a person's behaviors which were built on her/his own specifications and also the environment that s/he lived in.
I know it's the universal rule that leads many facts and living things in life to walk and act in similar ways, but it was just amusing to me. Sometimes, while studying I felt some sympathy for some of those molecules :)...It was like studying sociology in a different level... I will put some real examples in this regard later.

A satisfied success

I think the meaning of success is the overall definition that every society presents to its members as values or each person defines for her/his self. Some of its dimensions are rich and novel at a time that pass borders of a society or individual mind and feed other communities or minds as well. The outcome is general improvement.

But,defining the pure satisfaction could be different I guess. It doesn't have to be fit always into the given image of the outside world or another's mind. It's more concealed and could be completely internal.
It's the feeling of a successful heart.

An Art

Being precise is different from being pessimistic. I think one can easily mix one with another. I mean, sometimes we think we've been so exact about people's behaviors, thoughts and reactions and we've been protective about our rights but the bottom line is that we've been actually picky or paranoid in many of those cases.
Well, imagine if we accept that we've been even right in 6 out of 10 of the things that someone did to us and they had something to do with our lives,emotions and benefits. I still think, that 6 will NOT worth it to make any kind of big deal out of it. When there is a strong possibility of making 4 mistakes from the whole 10. Besides, it shows we are allowed to make mistakes in the world that over millions of scientific facts are based on trail and error. So why we should not just let go another's mistakes. It's a fair deal, isn't it? Especially when we think of the overall results which are to love others and to be loved. It's just healthy to look at the nice parts that each person at least has one for sure. It's not always easy but I do believe that is an artistic talent that one possesses.

I said all these to say that I'm afraid of negative people and am a big fan of optimistic ones and eager to be like them.
Cheers :).

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A Lesson

There was a time in my life that I had a very specific goal with one picture of myself in the future. The idea of that goal was so overwhelmingly in my mind that any other "picture" that I had of myself was somehow connected to it. I guess it's quite clear that after not reaching my goal, the disaster stroke my life. I felt empty and I couldn't convince myself to adopt any other goal as important as the previous one or at least a little appealing. I think the reason was I had no back up! I'd never thought of one and no one had told me until the time that the new situation embraced me. It was like you wanted to study Medicine, you did your best and then you started to study Chemistry. Which was exactly the thing that happened to me :).
This was my saddest memory till many years after, then as I got older and gained more experiences, I realized that such things could never been considered as disasters. But for a long time I was afraid of setting other goals. I turned to a completely conservative person. Now, I think my courage has finally come back. I have a goal! This time not so much specific though. This time with various pictures and different beautiful colors. This time they don't follow just one thing. They have more freedom, they have more life...

My last conclusion

I'm not really sure if I've become an obsessed person with Hijab or I've been just as natural as anyone could be. The main reason must be me coming from an Islamic country to another Muslim land which made me to drop all the collated things that I've had in hands so far on the table and to gaze at them all over again.
I'm not even going to mention all the conclusions that I gradually made about this subject in years of my life as it would not cast any better light on this Hijab matter, at a very least to myself.
I'm clearly aware of the whole diverse interpretations of covering in general- not Burgah, the extreme form of Hijab. These are terms that come up so commonly after people say "Hijab"... Gesture? Belief? Humiliation, fanaticism or disrespect for women AND on the other side, there are people who link this to security, spirituality or respect for women.

I'm not going to side with any of these two extremely opposite approaches. To me, in their ethnic hypotheses, they both claim to ensue a very similar desire which is, dealing with humanity of females and not their sensualities.

I think, the only matter that many don't even bother themselves to consider is the fact that humanity is not a thing to come with covering or not covering, nor showing or not showing hair, body or face. It's an attitude to earn, it's the mind training to receive and then these should able us to think right and to deal right... simply to be a human.