Present endeavor

I have matters to think, works to do and life to live. There are times when I just want to live in the moment and be present at the present, then right in the middle of no clear time I find myself drowning in the past. I try not to get stuck in the times that have gone and then meanwhile I find myself running into the future so fast, so overwhelmingly so that I will be losing the present again if I don't slow down. Why has this been like a baffling game for me which takes me away from BEING right at the present? This, in fact, is the question that I ask myself and continue the rest of these words by saying: Maybe it's because I have not accepted myself as the way I am OR it could be just an illusion that I have and I'm not really that absent in the present moment OR I say, this shows that I should have had more faith in me and should have been more kind to myself...
But, I know one thing for sure that I'm trying my "present best" and am really hoping to make a difference to the unpredictable creature like myself. I don't mind how fast I am or how efficient, big or small the outcome of this try would be. I still keep on striving and as much as trying to be present I need to be constantly aware. Aware of the fact that I have a true friend right beside me who has always accepted me, loved me and never never never has given up on me.

Sometimes, I wonder my thoughts might be too personal to be cried out in here but why shouldn't I release myself in an unknown small room of mine whose this opened door is one of its features. It's different to watch your naked mind screaming itself out loud in that room.