To catch up

The second weekend after starting my work and I don't know from where I should start. I've been learning various techniques. I need to know the basic experimental and theoretical aspects of my own research. I'm expected to be creative with new suggestions and ideas and I'm overwhelmed with loads of skills I need to acquire and things I should learn. Every night I sleep so quickly or almost faint. People ask me how are you? I say I'm great and I literally mean that. I have my own concerns though, can I meet all the requirements that I'm tilted to accomplish?

New beginning

looking at the frequency of my previous posts I realize why it's a bit challenging to write again. Different things are on top of my head and it takes time to write on one for a start. To say in a nutshell, I'm happy! It's as the same as the feeling I had when I passed summer school and got permitted 2 years ago only a month and half after our arrival to Holland. I was well aware of the fact that it was only the beginning and I had a lot to do for the following two years. I'm not gonna lie to you, the first year and its all difficulties many times made me forget the sweetness of that starting point. The fear of not being good at the area I entered, the fear of running with no promise to reach and I did not believe it was only the journey that mattered. I needed a sign to make sure I made a right decision, that I was smart enough and not stupid. I needed to know I was making a progress and I knew that urge, that need to making sure partly was coming from my not very patient personality so I would blame that personality every now and then as well.
Last Tuesday and Wednesday I was standing talking to my current and future supervisors hearing their comments on what I did and thinking to myself it was worth it but I have the very same feeling that I had when I passed summer school; happy while I certainly know that it's only another beginning. Hope this time I'll be patient and as kind as the man who's been walking side by side me all these years ... to myself.

I survived!

Here I am, feeling exhausted and graduated!
Still have to take care of a couple of things but the hardest part is over now. My mind is completely overwhelmed with all tiny details that happened yesterday.
Will write more...

Counting down

I'll defend my thesis in 33 days. It's weird.

A short review

Five months from now and I should be able to finish my study. I cannot believe that it's already been a year and 7 months since I started. I came out of my field and entered this area because I believed, that was a right thing to do and because I believed there was a chemistry this time.
To my simple mind this subject seemed incredibly magnificent and extremely exciting.
After having to get through big and small challenges on my way, now I think this opportunity only has been a door to a starting point.
The diversity of mysteries is countless and it feels like being an immature baby trying to explore a complicated world, being curious is part of the deal, but you don't have the whole package unless you get to learn how to be patient, how to go and how to be that mature baby.

And MATLAB!

After 2 weeks of full-time workshop I see things like Matlab's interface; a new language with no emotional expression! :)

Warning! You might find this boring

Now, it looks like a happy ending little story when I say that studying for the exam went fine and I think I did the exam fine as well. Yeah, it would look just perfect if I would only write this happy report but I have to add that I have a problem whenever I have an exam. It's not a big problem and as some might say it's not even considered as a problem but when you don't live your daily life like before, feel stressed out big part of the time that you're awake and feel not relaxed when you're asleep and see only dark sides of matters just before taking the exam and five minutes after you've done with the test you feel normal again, well you might think that you should think. I know where the roots are coming from, I can write stories of my years of studying for entering university and also how I graduated which I'm sure if I do that then you will say:"Yeah, now you have a problem". I'm not going to do that but I'm looking at the reasons so that I may be able to find a way to feel less stressed out when I'm having an exam. But how, I don't know and I'm secretly glad that I have to to deal with it.

Vision

I do an experiment on people with different visions; good, not bad and worse sights. It takes like an hour for each. The way that they handle the entire experiments- which for them gets boring and also tiring after a while- tells me how different their tolerances are for this specific experiment but doesn't tell me much about what kinds of people they are. I only have to judge their eyes not their characters and that could be a good practice, I hope.

No conclusion- Yet

There has been a big debate over free will for centuries among philosophers and psychologists. Sigmund Freud as a mentalist put the subject in this way: Heredity, environment, instinctive and social factors influence understanding of one's self.
I don't like to think we don't have free will in its genuine term but whether I like it or not I cannot pass by without pondering over some existing realities that challenges free will in its true terms. Our brain chemistry, our history and sex hormones have a strong effect on who we become. Any of these factors could be slightly different and then our present self would turn to some one totally different. We are like products of several prior elements and then at this point we decide to think and believe in this way, act that way and feel as we feel and we think we are free in our choices and I assume it's healthier to have this sense of freedom though.
I came to an article incredibly interesting from Nature Neuroscience titled: "Unconscious determinants of free decisions in the human brain". It was in fact the resource of my main talk in the presentation that I mentioned before. To put it short, in an experiment subjects were asked to press a button and 10 seconds before they become aware or conscious about their own decisions of which button to press, some certain regions in the brain showed activities indicating prediction and storage of the upcoming decision in those areas, this says there is this high-level network that begins to shape an upcoming decision long before the person enters awareness about that. This research is not obviously going to wrap up this old debate to any final conclusion but it's an open door for more questions in the field of hard core science rather than seeking for answers only through the philosophical theories.

Free will (?)

Free will... Is it just an illusion or something that we really have?
This is the subject of my upcoming presentation, I'm wondering if Neuroscience and free will can coexist. Most of the discussions have been based on Psychological outlook so far, I have to find a reliable article to support and take the side of any of these views.

Will write about it later but till then tell me what do you think? ;)

Memory

I had an exam at the end of the last week and its following weekend means nothing but weekend and enjoying it without feeling guilty of getting engaged in those businesses that are not really related to the pending tasks.
I've had 7 modules so far and one thing has been happening after taking each exam and has come to my notice now. I take the exams on Thursday evenings, then it doesn't matter if I sleep at 9, 10,11 or 12 at night, the next morning exactly at 4-5 I wake up with one of the questions that I faced the day before as if that question is whispering itself into my ears and I automatically think about the answer that I wrote and this goes on till I fully get back to my consciousness and start to feel that I'm not asleep anymore. It's not like I was thinking about that specific question the night before and I've never been like this as long as I can remember.
The last term the topic was about memory and its underlying mechanism. Apart from neural events that form our memory traces what makes matters get stuck or erased from our mind is the amount of "attention" we pay on them and I was thinking how efficient could be if we had this capability to notice to those things that are really worth noting, imagine if we could actually see nice words and kind gestures from people around and not those' who don't care about others' feelings, how incredibly free our mind would be then when no strong traces of the bitter feelings could be found later.
One more thing, I have this ability to get lost so easily, I've never been good at directions and apparently for this not so great spatial memory of mine my Hippocampus is to blame but it can get bigger and for that I need to pay attention much more or become a taxi driver as apparently they have big Hippocampuses ;).

Daily Routine

I'm in the middle of my daily routine, trying to keep up with the pace of my tight schedule and I'm getting quicker than before which is good especially when you don't have much choice but to be faster!

I'm coming to this conclusion and use it as a strategy that when I think I have a problem or difficulty, the last thing that I should do is to think why I have this problem and the first thing is to take an action, any action that converts the present problem to a simpler version or to a solved one. I'm specifically talking about the time that I have tons of things to learn and just a little time. This conclusion may not be that much of a help if you're thinking of something else though.

The interesting and unfortunate thing is that I like to write about some of the things that I've been busy reading; on those that I find more interesting, those that when I learn I cannot help but smile and feel excited but I pass by without having the chance of saying a proper good bye hoping to return and greet again.

I know...

These days I'm taking a break from exams and am more focusing on the project related works. I have this feeling that I should take a deep breath for the next diving which is going to be months of classes and frequent exams before I can talk about having a break again.
On my way from where I study, there is a constant review of what or how I've been doing since starting my program and I don't feel great when the review reaches its ending point which would be the time when I reach my destination.
I enjoy what I've been learning so far and to people around me and my works I've been doing just fine but I myself know well that I should be faster and smart to keep up the progress.
I've been unforgiving to my mistakes and I'm aware that I should not have.
In fact, I can give a perfectly fair lecture to myself on how friendly I should be with myself...I do that, I hear myself, I agree with me and I get back to mood of a teacher not long after and let me tell you she's not that friendly.

Science Fallacy

"It is not actually your brain that does the thinking at all. In fact, the very idea that it does is virtually incoherent: not just wrong, but meaningless: the mereological fallacy. Only you as a whole entity can do anything like thinking or believing".
Bennett & Hacker

Bennett and Hacker, one a neuroscientist and the other a scholar of Wittgenstein's thought, attack on the conception of the mind based on contemporary neuroscience. They argue that "brain does not know things, has no beliefs, does not think or guess, hear and see, those are functions of human being".
Well, what they mean by "mereological fallacy" is to take a part for the whole; the brain can only process properly when it's in the body as a whole. In another place they mention, " The mind is not identical with the brain, nor is a split brain leading to two minds, one belonging to the left, one to the right hemisphere".
I agree that a psychological attributes (cognition, thought, memory, emotion,...) can be done in the first place or in a perfect way by the cooperative works of other organs but the mind and its colleration with the brain is so tight in my idea that gives the impression that mind is what brain is busy doing in a wide range and in the vast complexities that neuroscience can describe or interpret some and for others it requires a great deal of time to understand and what happens to the mind of a person with Alzheimer- which is a degenerative disorder of the brain- that the person suffering from this disease can no longer think in a way she/he used to think.

A long post

Of all not very superb memories that one could have to tell, I found this as one of the masters. It went through different phases till I finally made my peace with it. Well...I hope that would be it though.

-The first step was being relieved,
-Then I felt angry whenever I reminded that memory with all its tiny details of course,
-The next level was telling the story as if it was an unbelievable and also very exciting news which made me angry like crazy while telling to people whom I felt were caring enough to listen passionately
-Then for a long time, every time I reminded of that day I felt like crying which I call it the grief phase
-And now I think I'm getting through it finally since looking at all these phases makes me feel that this memory could be seen in a way ridiculously funny enough to laugh at and to bring in here :).

Well, it all started when I found myself in a very risky step in one term at university that there was no way for me to fail any more of my courses. So I was studying fairly enough during the term to make sure I would pass each of the courses with a good mark which I desperately in need to get from all.
It was "differential equations" course with its strict teacher coming from the Mathematics department that I felt I should be well-prepared before the final exam.
I took the exam, answered the entire questions so properly that I could not believe myself while writing the answer of each questions which were 6 all in all.
I estimated my score something between 16-18 out of 20 and waited for the upcoming result. Finally the day came and I checked my score on the board, it was 5! I stormed out of where I was shocking to my very core, went to the office of the teacher and asked him to see my paper. Then, I got incredibly happy as seemed he had forgotten to correct 3 of the very crucial questions as they had held the main marks of the whole in themselves. Soon after he asked me 3 questions: 1- Where was I sitting during the exam 2- Where one of my classmates was sitting during the exam 3- Why the second round of my exam papers didn't have an official stamp of the university?
I only had answer for the first question and was trying to remember the answer of the second question which I had no luck to find that out. And his last question seemed really odd and out of my understanding.
Finally, he explained that since among 70 students that took the exam that day, me and this mystery placed classmate of mine were the only that answered his one of the very difficult questions correctly, he came to the conclusion that maybe me and this significant classmate had information exchange during the exam. And the the rest seemed really odd to him as they had no stamp on their paper. But he was giving the second thought generously to look at them all over again. I went the next day to see what he had done this time with my suspicious paper and I saw my new score which was 10 and meant that he had not marked again the answer of that famous question...I went to him and thanked him for giving that second thought anyway...I passed the exam, the first phase was already happening; I was relieved.

...If you have not found this story funny, well...you might need to go through those phases ;)

Note

Whenever I sit on my desk and read the recommended reading of my study program, I feel the first and note the second:
First: It's beautiful
Second: I shall get back to the prior subjects and make neat outlines of what I've learned so far.

The first one is something that assures me I've put my steps in a right pathway and it makes me simply happy. No question mark and it's all about one clear mind so I let myself feel this way and I like it :).

The second one is about timing which I lack the most since I grew up in a system that efficiency increases as deadline gets close and sometimes it's good that you used to live in a system that could be blamed for many things most of the time and who cares if this system comes out of people of the same society ;)... Anyhow, I'm working on my notification.

The story of my classmates- Part II

And the rest... Each paragraph following here is what a number of my other classmates had as their motivations for moving forward along with the semesters that followed each other one after another. They were just a bunch of scattered words before making these paragraphs. The words that I've been trying to find their connections to turn to the shapes that would stay loyal to their owners back then:

-"I'm a good student because this is what I used to be through my study years in high school. If I had to study history I would be as a good student as I am now"... It's something that I call the ability of orientation and quite considerable amount of my classmates had it.

- "I'm trying to be good at this major since this is what I have to build my career based on for the future. It's something that can help me to get out of this country".

- "I've always loved chemistry".

- " Did you know that if you get good marks and gain the high GPA, it would make you popular among the boys in the faculty? And by the way I've always loved chemistry".

-"I'm so happy that I have to study this major because my someone who knows every thing once told me this is the best major among all the science majors".

- "I just want to get my BSc and get the hell out of here".

-"I never thought of why I'm studying here, I don't study hard, I was preparing myself for exam the night before the exam and I fell asleep meanwhile, it happens most of the time. And I never thought I would pass the exam, now I'm so surprised that I got B ( like always)".

- "She thinks she is so intelligent... I should enter the Masters program".

-"You should be happy that you haven't started your MSc in here. This is just madness...I have to get my PhD, this is something that if I don't take any action for, I won't forgive myself for the rest of my life".


I do hope all these paragraphs would have found their happy endings by now :).

The story of my classmates- Part I

Last week I had to take a pre-test in Chemistry. After taking the test, my memories of the past in the university kept coming back to me. It was like a time machine which was working all of a sudden. I could remember some of my former classmates; they were very different in terms of educational success and that how they defined its meaning according to their own standards.
Among all of them I can put two of them in a same category while they were actually quite different.

One of them entered university at the age of 13, she had chosen Chemistry for one reason; she loved it. One of the most passionate persons that I've ever met, so natural, incredibly modest and truly honest with herself. Once she failed a Physics course and she used to refer to that as a proof to her claim that she was not a genius! Well, to me she was a genuine genius... For those who are familiar with the faculty of science (at the university that I studied at which you don't know which one was it ;) it should not seem that odd to see a list full of scores below the pass mark especially in the first study year and in some basic science modules. Since as a matter of fact it's perfectly normal!... Her story obviously ends here happily as after some years she's teaching at the most prestiges university in one of the European countries right now.

Another one entered at the faculty of Chemistry because of one reason; she had been accepted at it. One of the happiest people that I've ever met, so natural, incredibly relaxed and truly honest with herself. She failed many modules during the first semesters of her study and she used to refer to them as the proofs that she should not have been there studying them in the first place. To me she was quite smart to pass all those courses though. She left the faculty or better to say made the faculty release her... Then she went after her true passion; music. Her story ends here as a happy one too as she's one of the talented guitar instructors right now.

Might be continued...

A quick glance

1. My first module is getting to start in less than 10 days and I've already started warming up with taking some glances at a book which describes molecular biology of the cell in a truly amazing way. I wish I had enough time to look at the whole book before starting the semester but I know it's only a dream to finish approximately 3800 pages in this time frame.

2. For moving forward, I need to be focused and quite organized.

3. It's exciting to learn the concepts that can poke the sense of curiosity, that to feel connection with.

-Wish me luck

A Happy Day

Well, There are lots of things to learn, lots of works to do.
It's so good to be a student again... It's just great to start.